Molly Kendrick writes Contemptible Impudence, a blog about freelance writing. she hosts yeah no yeah podcast with co-host katie brandt.

I Write Descriptions of Baby Products for a Website: Top 3 Worst Stroller Ads

I've been writing descriptions of baby products to keep myself afloat while in Austin. It's led me to some ads that prominently feature people whose parental authority I would question, even as a baby.What.

"FUCK YOU and your ASSUMPTIONS." He says all day, to every passing stranger.

The key around his neck unlocks the cage where he keeps his supply of fresh babies. He left the house with one this morning, but he bumped into Mungo on the way to the gallery and Mungo said, "You know what, Puffin? I'm having a do this evening and I think your fat sock puppet would make a great centerpiece at the buffet."

"He might cry the whole time."

"I know. The theme of my party is distress."

"Yeah man, whatever."

And so the long day wore on.

This woman is embarrassed by the way her baby keeps acting like they're together. Be cool, man!

this baby is embarassing

Oh wait, the stroller's empty. Ah, I see. She's taken it in to have it polished, along with her shins. Or maybe she's using the stroller as a prop, so she'll look warm and approachable to unsuspecting wealthy bachelors (her pose leaves me no choice but to assume she poisoned her last husband).

This is a theme, I noticed. Pictures of really cool strollers don't have babies in them, presumably because babies cramp style, notoriously.

Oh look. here comes one of the ungrateful little wretches now.

ungrateful wretch

Ruining a perfectly good ad for a stroller.

ruined

What's that? The baby was facing inner turmoil for the first time when we took the picture? Well, Mom and Dad look scrumptious, so let's call it a day.

Below is an ad for...

where baby

Oh, a stroller. The one in the corner, bereft of any sign of life.

This "cool mum" from the "cool mum" series is so cool! Maybe that's why they took her child away. Because she was pantsless and snorting coke off her own ass. Or maybe she traded it for those speakers.

OR MAYBE  she just heard Sergio shouting on the stairwell about how she owes him money for all the drugs and stolen hats, so she took off her pants, used them to delicately soundproof (but hopefully not suffocate) the infant, and hid it in the drawer behind her. Now the evil gangster that's about to burst in any moment won't kidnap it as collateral.

Well done, cool mum! I'm sorry I doubted you.

How to Announce Your Breakup (God, I hope my ex doesn't read this.)